When Fire Meets Gasoline: The Push-Pull of Narcissistic–Borderline Relationships

It usually starts like a love story on steroids.

The connection is instant. Deep. Almost cosmic. One person feels intensely alive, seen in ways they’ve never been seen before. The other radiates confidence, certainty, power. There’s laughter, passion, long stares over wine glasses. It feels like it was meant to be.

And then it flips.

One person becomes needy, panicked, emotionally flooded. The other goes cold, distant, even cruel. The intimacy that once felt intoxicating now feels suffocating; or unavailable. You can’t find your footing. You’re either being pulled in too close or pushed out too far.

I often see this pattern in my work with couples and individuals: one partner displays borderline traits—intense fear of abandonment, emotional extremes, and desperate efforts to hold on. The other leans toward narcissistic traits: - a deep need for admiration, emotional distance, and difficulty with empathy.

Let’s be clear: these patterns aren’t tied to gender—I’ve seen every combination, from narcissistic women to borderline men. These are human struggles, rooted in early experiences of love, loss, and emotional safety.

Emotional conflict and the push-pull dynamic in intimate relationships.

Why These Two Find Each Other

There’s a twisted magnetism at play: the narcissistic partner is drawn to the borderline’s emotional intensity—it makes them feel desired and powerful. Meanwhile, the borderline finds initial safety in the narcissist’s confidence and control. Like puzzle pieces, they fit—until they fracture.

But over time, these very traits that brought them together start tearing them apart.

One craves constant reassurance. The other feels drained by emotional demands. One becomes clingy. The other retreats. Then comes the explosion: the accusations, the withdrawal, the desperate apologies, the quiet re-connection. Reset and repeat.

It’s not just drama. It’s trauma bonding and it’s deeply addictive.

Where Does This Come From?

Most people who find themselves in these dynamics aren’t broken or toxic. They’re wounded and often, those wounds come from early experiences with love that were inconsistent, unsafe, or conditional.

A child who had to work hard to feel seen may grow up craving intensity or recognition in romantic relationships. A child who felt invisible might later overcompensate with grandiosity or self-protection. These aren’t just personality traits, they’re survival strategies.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave

If this sounds familiar, you might already know how hard it is to walk away. These relationships can feel like life rafts in stormy water. You cling tighter even when it’s clear the raft is falling apart.

There’s also a chemical side to this: your brain literally gets hooked on the cycle of chaos and repair. The dopamine spikes from making up, the cortisol crashes from conflict, the panic when disconnection hits, it creates a kind of emotional addiction.

Even if you know it’s not healthy, your nervous system keeps pulling you back in.

Can It Ever Work?

With enough therapy, insight, and commitment, yes, it’s possible for people with narcissistic or borderline traits to build healthier relationships. But it takes a ton of work, and both people have to really want to change.

For borderline traits, Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) helps regulate emotions and build distress tolerance. For narcissistic traits, Schema Therapy or psychodynamic work can help peel back the layers of defense to get to the core wounds.

But let’s not sugarcoat it. Most of the time, these relationships don’t last unless both partners do the inner work consistently. The cycle won’t break on its own.

What To Look Out For

If you’re in a relationship like this, here are some red flags to notice:

• You feel emotionally exhausted more than emotionally safe

• You often question your version of reality

• You minimize or excuse harmful behavior

• You keep hoping they’ll change if you love them enough

• Your boundaries are constantly being crossed

If even a few of these feel familiar, please know: you’re not weak. You’re just wired for connection, and your nervous system is trying to protect you the only way it knows how.

But protection isn’t the same as peace.

Moving Toward Healing

Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is leave. Not to hurt the other person. But to choose yourself. To stop living in survival mode and start moving toward something more stable, slower, kinder.

That starts with education, awareness and unlearning the idea that love must feel like chaos to be real.

If this resonates with you, you don’t have to figure it all out alone. This is the kind of work I do in my practice every day, whether it’s through one-on-one sessions, couples counselling, or group spaces where we untangle these patterns together.

You deserve safety. You deserve connection that doesn’t cost you your sense of self.

And no! You don’t have to be perfect to be loved.

But you do deserve to be held in peace.

- Nomsa Looser